one time when i was ten i was about to go down a slide at the pool and the mentally challenged kid in line behind me told me that i was hot and if he was my boyfriend he would buy me a hundred roses every day and that’s the story of the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to me

holy shit you know that ‘what if your webcam was on and broadcasting to times square’ post with the picture of the kids picking his nose? well i shit you not, i was scrolling and scratching the inside of my nostril when i came across that and i almost fucking cried like i know that gross and shit im sorry, BUT IT WAS FUCKING REAL LIFE OKAY THAT REALLY HAPPENED

woo fun fact so for the longest time i thought that ‘franklin delano roosevelt’ was actually ‘franklin delanor roosevelt’ because the only people i’d ever heard say it had some sort of boston/new york type accent and i thought that ‘delanor’ was some sort of male version of ‘eleanor’ but then i saw it written out and i had a new understanding of life.

OKAY THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED TODAY

I was super hungry in class, like my stomach was growling, but then someone started talking and for some reason I subconsciously thought somehow that the voice would like make me not hungry or something??? I don’t know, it was the weirdest moment of my life, like I thought for a second that I could eat a voice.

my sister’s breakup with her boyfriend turned out real nice for me, cause she gave me the string of genuine pearls that he had given her for christmas. my dad had already given her some for her 18th, so she said ‘if you wear these around dad, maybe he’ll give you something good for your 18th.’

i’m checking old email accounts and some random phone number sent me a picture of a baby???? on 11/11/11?????

i’ve never seen this infant in my life

This got to be really long, so I’m putting it under a ‘read more’

So this past summer I went on a trip to Kenya for about a week. The trip there had a layover in London, where the Olympics were happenin, so there were some important people waiting for flights home cause the games were two thirds of the way done, which was kewl.

For reasons then unknown, the flight took a really long time to takeoff, so I fell asleep during the buttloads of taxying and stuff. I have a history of sleepwalking and doing other stuff while not fully awake, and when the flight attendant put a packet of mixed nuts on my table-thingy, I started eating them in my sleep.

I woke up wondering what I was chewing, only to find out that I had eaten half a package of macadamia nuts and cashews, which I am seriously allergic to. I slowly put them down as my throat started to itch and I started to feel nauseous. I asked the flight attendant for some benedryl or something, but they didn’t have any in the emergency kit, so I figured I would just wait it out because it usually goes away.

Read More

i went to the bathroom in a portapotty today and when i came out and started walking away i heard some guy that i reckon was drunk yelling and i turned around and he was looking at me and he said “hey high-five!” so i asked what for and he said “for bein’ so sweet” so i gave him a high five and that was it. 

remember in 7th grade when i sent ‘constance’s word of the day’ emails to all of my friends.

those were strange times.

sHIT I JUST ALMOST DIED OMYFUCKINGGOD

I WAS CLIMBING THE LADDER TO MY BED TO GET MY PHONE AND MY FOOT WAS WET FROM MY SHOWER SO IT SLIPPED AND I WAS NAKED AND I STARTED TO FALL BACKWARDS AND I DIDN’T SEE LIFE FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES I SAW DEATH AND MYSELF FALLING ONTO MY LITTLE BOOKSHELF AND BREAKING MY SPINE AND RIBS AND MY PARENTS FINDING ME BEATEN UP AND NAKED ON THE FLOOR BUT THEN THE BED POST STOPPED ME CAUSE I LEANED REALLY SIDEWAYS AND IT HIT MY RIBS AND NOW I HAVE A BRUISE BUT I AM ALIVE

HOLY SHIT WOW FUCK THAT WAS SCARY

cosmictwins:

I went to a pumpkin festival today and my sister told me that a lady with a fancy camera was taking pictures of my feet, so I thought I’d share my layered fall look.

a real thing that happened today

I couldn’t find my mom in the grocery store and when I was in the produce section nobody else was around so I starting whining in a really bad british accent, “mummy? are you my mummy? I’m scared of the bombs mummy,” but then I walked around the corner of a fruit stand and there was a really short tiny lady that I hadn’t seen and she gave me a look and I walked really fast out of the produce.

Wow, so according to my mom, our family was supposed to move to Saudia Arabia in the 90’s. My dad was gonna get a promotion, but at the last minute they decided to put him in the D.C. area to help plan Clinton’s inaugural parade thingy.

That’s crazy. Like I could have had an entirely different life, like, completely. My mind is just blown.

One time in youth group my youth pastor asked if there were any prayer requests and my sister said “Hazel Grace, and my dad going to Nevada.” I’m assuming she had used the name Hazel Grace as a stand in before to keep the person whose problem she was describing anonymous. Also my dad was going to be flying to Nevada soon and she was asking for safe travel.

But everyone in my youth group basically heard it as “this girl and my dad are going to nevada together,” so now everyone thinks my dad is having an affair in Las Vegas.

when my mom first told me what gay was it was because she had gotten a magazine with ellen degeneres on the cover saying “yes, i’m gay!” and when i walked into the room i said “what’s gay?” and she said “it’s when you like other girls” and i said “i’m gay!” and she said “no like you want to marry them” and i said “oh” and that was it.